Hello ALL!!! It's been a while. I have had the urge to return to writing the past few months, but, to be frank, I've been ignoring it. I've been keeping myself "busy". I think part of it has been the slow creeping realization that there is a lot more to deal with when fighting cancer than just healing the body. Since my declaration of remission in August, I have started running to train for 10k runs in order to raise money for cancer and other illnesses, I have played Mary in "Mary's Wedding" where I spent the whole hour and a half onstage non stop, I have battled ridiculous numbers of colds and flu, and I have produced and acted in a short film. All this was while being a full time mother and working to support the family while my husband finished his schooling. Like I said...busy.
Little did I know that the minute Mike finished school and got a job, all the emotional stuff that I had been pushing aside would boil to the surface and consume me. I think Mike has thought that I've been possessed by a demon from the darkest recesses of hell. He's probably surprised that my head hasn't been spinning around full circle à la "Exorcist". Sometimes it feels like it does though. Nothing is straight in my mind. There was a couple of weeks about a month ago where I could hardly see straight. I didn't trust myself to drive, I felt like I was going to fall down any second, and I couldn't form a thought. All I could feel was anger, resentment, fear, annoyance, sadness. I am angry right now. I'm hurt. I had it out with God a couple days ago. I told Him how much I hate Him for putting me through this. I hate that I had to suffer. I hate that I had/have to hurt. I hate what its done to my family and the pressure its put on my relationships. I hate that everyone abandoned me the minute I was declared in remission. I hate that I am always still so tired and exhausted. I hate that my immune system is still suppressed. I hate that my husband and daughter have to live with me in this state. There is just so much hate.
And fear! I haven't even gotten into the fears. What if it comes back? What if the chemo destroyed my body? What if my immune system never recovers? What if it comes back? What if I can't have any more kids? What if I get pregnant and my body can't handle the pregnancy because of all its been through? What if I have another kid and it comes back? What if I feel this exhausted for the rest of my life? WHAT IF IT COMES BACK!!!
Unless you've been here, you have no idea the dread that is invoked at the thought of cancer returning to the body. I fear very few things, but this I fear.
But fear is not where I want to live. Anger and resentment is not where I want to live. I know this is a passing phase; an important part of the healing process. I'm not exactly in a place where I can appreciate the good, but I know it's there. I have grown in so many ways because of this journey. I am a better person because of it. I know people haven't actually abandoned me. I was ready to reclaim my life with a passion. I did that, not knowing that I just wasn't ready. I haven't been asking for help and I'm not sure I would take it right now even if it was offered (call me stubborn). And as for fear, I can't control it anyway, so why worry?! My life would be so much easier if I could just let go of my need for complete control. Just let go! Or, as my 4th year acting class at University would say.... JUST LET IT HAPPEN.
And as for being angry with God. He can handle it. He knows my hurt. I have a friend going through a tough time right now and her child yells words of anger at her. She knows it is because the child is hurting. Even though it hurts her every time her child says these things, she still loves the child. God has that same unconditional love for us. He can handle those yells and screams of, "I hate you!", and he will still go on loving us. I will have my temper tantrums, turn into a puddle of tears on the floor, and rise again breathing easier, more relaxed, having just let go of a bit of the hurt that's been holding me down. I will rise.