I've been noticing lately that I haven't been looking people in the eye. I've always thought that not looking someone in the eye is either a show of insecurity, lack of respect, avoidance or dodgy-ness. I've done my best through my life to remember to look people in the eye. This is why I'm now starting to notice that I haven't been doing it. I know it's not a respect problem. I'm pretty sure that I'm not the dodgy type. Insecurity is not normally a problem for me. (Don't get me wrong, I definitely have my insecurities, I'm just really good at masking them.) This only leaves one thing: Avoidance.
I believe that I do not want to associate myself with cancer. I am subconsciously pretending that it is another person dealing with this sickness. I am having troubles looking this disease in the eye and staring it down. I don't want to recognize that it even exists. Sure, I'm going through the motions. I'm dealing with all the medical procedures, the conversations, the good and the bad that come with having a life threatening disease, but I'm not sure if I'm admitting to myself the enormity of it all. I'm not sure if I can. I might fall apart. For the most part, I have felt strong and positive about this situation. If I let myself look at it all on a bigger scale rather than the day to day, then I may dissolve into a puddle of sorrow so deep that I'm not sure I could climb out of it. The best solution that my subconscious seems to have found is denial. I will avoid looking at this all straight on, which allows me to continue getting through it.
This is where a facet of Faith comes into play. I forget sometimes to rely on God. I forget that He has the strength to get through this and that He can give me that strength. I've said it before, I think it was in my first ever post, that God only gives us what He knows we can handle. I am honoured that He thinks this way, but MAN it doesn't make the journey too much easier! I must remember to rely more on God. Maybe then I'll have the strength to face this head on and look this nasty cancer in the eye.